Snooki In Wonderland: The Improved Classic Read online

  Look for these upcoming titles in the Classics, Jersey Style Series:

  Catcher in the Beachhouse

  All Quiet on the Western Shore

  Gravity's Tanning Salon

  Of Mice and Men and Grenades

  Great Expectations, Sponsored by Axe Body Spray

  The Scarlet Tramp Stamp

  The Sound and The Laundry

  JWoww of D'Urbervilles

  Moby Dick

  To Kill a Duck Phone

  2009: A Shore Odyssey

  Death of a T-Shirt Salesman

  A Midsummer’s Night Drunktank

  Dr. Ronnie and Mr. Ortiz-Magro

  The Importance of Being Italian

  East of Elizabeth

  The Young Man and the Seaside

  Table of Contents

  INTRODUCTION

  Introduction to the Text

  CHAPTER I.

  Down the CENSORED-Hole

  CHAPTER II.

  The Hot Tub of Tears

  CHAPTER III.

  A Grunting Festival and a Long Tale

  CHAPTER IV.

  JWoww Sends in a Little Bill

  CHAPTER V.

  Advice from a Caterpillar

  CHAPTER VI.

  Pig and Pepper

  CHAPTER VII.

  A Mad SoCo With Lime Party

  CHAPTER VIII.

  The Queen Sammi's Croquet-Ground

  CHAPTER IX.

  The Chicken Cutlet's Story

  CHAPTER X.

  The Lobster Quadrille

  CHAPTER XI.

  Who Stole the Tarts? And Where Are the Grenades?

  CHAPTER XII.

  Snooki’s Evidence

  DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

  To Discuss In Your Snooki In Wonderland Book Club

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright Information

  Introduction to the Text

  Across the country, students have long been complaining about Lewis Carroll's “Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.”

  "Why is it written on these boring paper pages?"

  "What's a hatter?"

  "Why hasn't there been a slapfight yet?"

  Although their issues vary, the sentiment is the same: Alice needs updating, desperately. And what better than to replace a boring prepubescent blonde with the sturdiest, hardest-partying Italian of our era?

  For that reason, this edition has been improved to reflect our times. Packed with guidos and guidettes, mini-skirts and self-tanner, and delightful non-sequitors, this is a book worth intensive study and/or skimming in between commercials. Well, the boring commercials at least.

  Welcome to Wonderland, Snooki.

  CHAPTER I. Down the CENSORED Hole

  Snooki was beginning to get very tired of sitting by the cameras on Jersey Shore, and of having nothing to do. Her friend Deena had fallen asleep tanning. Once or twice, she had peeped into the book one of the producers was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it.

  ‘And what is the use of a book,' thought Snooki 'without pictures or conversation?'

  So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly JWoww ran close by her.

  There was nothing so VERY remarkable in that; nor did Snooki think it so VERY much out of the way to hear JWoww say to herself, 'Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!' without a single curse word (when she thought it over afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural).

  But when JWoww actually TOOK A WATCH OUT OF HER WAISTCOAT-POCKET instead of a Blackberry Pearl, and looked at it, and then hurried on, Snooki started to her feet, for it flashed across her mind that she had never before seen JWoww with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it, and burning with curiosity, she ran across the field after her, and fortunately was just in time to see her pop down a large hole under the hedge…

  In another moment down went Snooki after her, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

  The hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Snooki had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well. If this was a new exclusive dancing club, it was a very unusual one indeed.

  Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next.

  First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw Italian maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed; it was labeled ‘LECCA-LECCA GELATO’, but to her great disappointment it was empty: she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody, so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it.

  'Well!' thought Snooki to herself, 'after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they'll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!' (Which was very likely true.)

  Down, down, down. Would the fall NEVER come to an end! 'I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?' she said aloud. 'I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think—' (for, you see, Snooki had learnt several things of this sort in her lessons in the schoolroom, and though this was not a VERY good opportunity for showing off her knowledge, as there was no one to listen to her, still it was good practice to say it over) '—yes, that's about the right distance—but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've got to?' (Snooki had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either, but thought they were nice grand words to say.) She was so far down that she didn’t even get cellular reception.

  Presently she began again.

  'I wonder if I shall fall right THROUGH the earth! How funny it'll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think—' (she was rather glad there WAS no one listening, this time, as it didn't sound at all the right word) '—but I shall have to ask them what the name of the country is, you know. Please, Ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?' (and she tried to curtsey as she spoke—fancy CURTSEYING as you're falling through the air! Do you think you could manage it?) 'And what an ignorant little guidette she'll think me for asking! No, it'll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.'

  Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Snooki soon began talking again.

  'Deena'll miss me very much to-night, I should think! I hope they'll remember her saucer of vodka. Deena my dear! I wish you were down here with me! There are no juice heads in the air, I'm afraid, but you might catch a sausage, and that's very like a juice head, you know. But does Deena like sausage, I wonder?'

  And here Snooki began to get rather sleepy, and went on saying to herself, in a dreamy sort of way, 'Does Deena eat sausage? Does Deena eat sausage?' and sometimes, 'Does sausage eat Deena?' for, you see, as she couldn't answer either question, it didn't much matter which way she put it.

  She felt that she was dozing off, and had just begun to dream that she was walking hand in hand with Deena, and saying to her very earnestly, 'Now, Deena, tell me the truth: did you ever eat a sausage?' when suddenly, thump! thum
p! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

  Snooki was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feet in a moment: she looked up, but it was all dark overhead; before her was another long passage, and JWoww was still in sight, hurrying down it. There was not a moment to be lost: away went Snooki like the wind, and was just in time to hear JWoww say, as she turned a corner, ‘How late it's getting!' Snooki was close behind it when she turned the corner, but JWoww was no longer to be seen: she found herself in a long, low hall, which was lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof.

  There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Snooki had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever to get out again. There wasn’t even a bouncer to talk to.

  Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Snooki's first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock, and to her great delight it fitted...

  Snooki opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains and those tanning opportunities, but she could not even get her head through the doorway; 'and even if my head would go through,' thought poor Snooki, 'it would be of very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only know how to begin.' For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Snooki had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible.

  There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle on it, ('which certainly was not here before,' said Snooki,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters...

  It was all very well to say 'Drink me,' but wise little Snooki was not going to do THAT in a hurry. 'No, I'll look first,' she said, 'and see whether it's marked "roofi" or not'; for she had read several nice little histories about guidettes who had got herpes simplex, and spent summers away from the Shore, all because they WOULD not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a guido with sores should not be kissed; and that if you wasted your time with a normal job, you would not spend summer upon the shore; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked 'roofi,' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later.

  However, this bottle was NOT marked 'roofi,' so Snooki ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of pickles, chicken cutlets, fried calamari, ham, pizza, and fine pasta,) she very soon finished it off.

  'What a curious feeling!' said Snooki; 'I must be shutting up like a telescope.'

  And so it was indeed: she was now only ten inches high, and her face brightened up at the thought that she was now the right size for going through the little door into that lovely garden. Perhaps her size would allow her to tan especially quickly. First, however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; 'for it might end, you know,' said Snooki to herself, 'in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?' And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing.

  After a while, finding that nothing more happened, she decided on going into the garden at once; but, alas for poor Snooki! when she got to the door, she found she had forgotten the little golden key, and when she went back to the table for it, she found she could not possibly reach it: she could see it quite plainly through the glass, and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but it was too slippery; and when she had tired herself out with trying, the poor little thing sat down and cried.

  'Come, there's no use in crying like that!' said Snooki to herself, rather sharply; 'I advise you to leave off this minute!' She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. 'But it's no use now,' thought poor Snooki, 'to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make ONE respectable person!'

  Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked in currants. 'Well, I'll eat it,' said Snooki, 'and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care which happens!'

  She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself, 'Which way? Which way?', holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way it was growing, and she was quite surprised to find that she remained the same size: to be sure, this generally happens when one eats cake, but Snooki had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way.

  So she set to work, and very soon finished off the cake…

  CHAPTER II. The Hot Tub of Tears

  'Curiouser and curiouser!' cried Snooki (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English); 'now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!' (for when she looked down at her feet, they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off). 'Oh, my poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your slippers and stockings for you now, dears? I'm sure I shan't be able! I shall be a great deal too far off to trouble myself about you: you must manage the best way you can;—but I must be kind to them,' thought Snooki, 'or perhaps they won't walk the way I want to go! Let me see: I'll give them a new pair of boots every Christmas.'

  And she went on planning to herself how she would manage it. 'They must go by the carrier,' she thought; 'and how funny it'll seem, sending presents to one's own feet! And how odd the directions will look!

  Snooki’s Right Foot, ESQ.

  Hearthrug,

  Near the fender,

  (With Snooki’s Love).

  Oh dear, what nonsense I'm talking!'

  Just then her head struck against the roof of the hall: in fact she was now than twice her height and tall enough to ride upon almost any amusement park ride. She at once took up the little golden key and hurried off to the garden door.

  Poor Snooki! It was as much as she could do, lying down on one side, to look through into the garden with one eye; but to get through was more hopeless than ever: she sat down and began to cry again.

  'You ought to be ashamed of yourself,' said Snooki, 'a great guidette like you,' (she might well say this), 'to go on crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you!' But she went on all the same, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large hot tub of tears all round her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall.

  After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance, and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming. It was JWoww returning, still without pants: she came trotting along in a great hurry, muttering to herself as she came, 'Oh! the Duchess, the Duchess! O
h! won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!' Snooki felt so desperate that she was ready to ask help of any one; so, when JWoww came near her, she began, in a low, timid voice, 'If you please, JWoww—' JWoww started violently, and skurried away into the darkness as hard as she could go...

  Snooki went on talking: 'Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, THAT'S the great puzzle!' And she began thinking over all the guidettes she knew that were of the same age as herself, to see if she could have been changed for any of them.

  'I'm sure I'm not on a different television show,' she said, 'for if it were The Hills, there would be more WASPy blondes; and I'm sure I can't be on Teen Mom, for my belly is not swollen! Oh dear, how puzzling it all is! I'll try if I know all the things I used to know. Let me see: four times five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, and four times seven is—oh dear! I shall never get to twenty at that rate! However, the Multiplication Table doesn't signify: let's try Geography. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome, and Rome—no, THAT'S all wrong, I'm certain! Might I be on Sweet Sixteen? I'll try and confess as if I were back on the Jersey Shore. "We smushed—"' and she crossed her hands on her lap as if she were saying lessons, and began to repeat it, but her voice sounded hoarse and strange, and the words did not come the same as they used to do:—